Thank you all for reading my blog. See no planning and here I am again with another short note. I just installed the app on my phone to keep posting short notes to really work on putting feelings out instead of holding them in.
I really am quite successful at keeping my feelings to myself... however they do escape in tears at certain times and always the worse times. I think that is my intent with writing the last couple of days. Dr S told me to make my tears productive, don't let them control me. Hense the writing exercises to work out the tears instead of burying them deep. Even though burying them deep is the avenue I find most familiar and comfortable. I am very good at putting on a mask and only showing people what they want to see. People don't want to see me sad, they want to see things going well... so I walk out the door with a smile, even when that smile doesn't tell the story of what I really feel.
I hesitated several times before publishing my previous post publically. I am very bad at accepting feedback, kind words, compliments, acolades, criticism, etc.. John would get frustrated at me when I would get embarrassed by compliments.. I would roll my eyes at him, or make a joke... why did I do that? Why does kindness make me uncomfortable? Why do we doubt sincerity so much?
I wish to start taking kindness at face value. I am cetainly a work in progress.
I know there is no quick fix as this is not a problem to be resolved, not a process my loving friends can do it for me. There are no right words to anyone in this stage of life. Letting you inside my thoughts is something very much out of my comfort zone. My thoughts are about as unorganized as they can be, but just focusing on getting them out.
Today I am Thankful for:
- all prayers surrounding us
- 3 working restrooms
- a company who promotes training and encourages employees who want to improve their skills.
- Pillows
- cough drops
- A son who is willing to help with fix-it projects.
- Supergirl
- You.
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