It’s a GOD thing that my old blog popped up today and I feel
like I'm supposed to write a note.
These kinds of things have to be GOD things, or why would they
happen. I was cleaning up my old laptop
and clearing out Favorites when I saw the link to this page. I've had this blog account since 2007. I obviously suck at it since there are only 8
other posts. I had to sign in to 3
different accounts to get access; surprisingly I was able to connect to
it. I even see a short test blog from
2012 but I never actually wrote anything.
My original intent of this blog was to create a gratitude log... to keep
a daily note of things I am thankful for, just to remind of me what's important
and to not stress about the daily stuff we have no control over.
So much has happened since I signed into this account in
2012. My life has been turned upside
down, inside out, and if that wasn't enough it was completely scrambled
too. Anyone reading this probably knows
all the details of everything that's happened, but I'll write it out
anyway. My therapist said I should write
things down to get them out instead of keeping them inside all to myself. So, I guess we can blame her for what looks
to be a very long winded note to the universe.
Yup, never thought I would ever have a therapist either...
You probably already know this, but I'll re-share
anyway. My husband John passed away on
November 28, 2014, the Friday after Thanksgiving that year. It was most certainly the worst day of my
life thus far. I can say that I hope I
never have to experience anything worse than that. John had a major ankle injury that required
surgery. The surgery was successful as they were able to re-set his ankle and put it
all back together with a plate and several screws. What we didn't know was that a blood clot had
formed and traveled to his lungs during his recovery. Three months after his injury we were in the
ER where I watched his heart rate spike and ran to get a nurse for help. I spent what felt like an eternity standing
in the hallway while doctors and nurses came in and out of that room doing
everything possible to help him. The
moment they walked out of his room and told me there was nothing more they
could do was the day I lost half of my soul. Every detail of that day is etched
in my heart for eternity. I had no idea those would be our last moments
together.
For those of you that knew John and I, you know that he was
my best friend and my soul mate. He
wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me.
Together we made the perfect imperfect couple. We met in 1996, I moved to Sherman TX in 1997
while he lived in OK. We married in
1998, moved to Prosper, TX in 1999, to McKinney, TX in 2007. We had 18 years of making decisions together,
he cooked, I cleaned, we tag-teamed most things. We were the cliché, he and I against the
world. We both loved our children as
much as any parent has ever loved their children. Both hard headed Taurus. We had some real fights behind closed doors
and we worked though every one of them together. You see, we both were too stubborn to ever
give up. He was much better at
apologizing than I ever was, so he would always give in on a fight before I
ever would. I had no idea how truly
blessed I was to have this man in my life.
I've felt his absence every second since the day he went to heaven. I think I miss him more than you can ever
miss a person. I don't think there is
any way to describe to you what that feels like unless you have experienced it
yourself. Even then, you have
experienced it your way, not mine. But
it truly feels like 1/2 of yourself is missing and you never stop hoping that
it’s a nightmare that you wake up from at some point.
But it's not a nightmare at all. It's the "new normal". I sure hate that phrase. If I've heard people say it once I've heard
it said a thousand times... you have to find your "new normal"...
Screw that! I have to tell you, making a
life without half yourself is not normal at all! I won't ever look for normal again. You see, I have a fear of normal now, I'm
afraid that if I get used to something normal, something will unexpectedly
change, taking that normal and crushing it into tiny pieces. Yes, it sure makes it harder to plan things
without a doubt. Who wants to plan 5 or
10 years from now when you've experienced how life can completely change in 1
second and disrupt every single plan you've ever made. I've experienced so much death in my life; I
now find it almost impossible to plan too far into the future. Maybe you know, maybe you don't, I've lost a
10 year old boy dear to my heart in 2000, my brother in 2002, my dad in 2009, John 2014 and a handful of other friends and family along the way. Of course other people lost these same people;
I know this is not unique to me.
However, at some point you start taking things personal. We know people die, but you don't plan for
it until the later part of life, not early, not smack dab in the middle. So, how do I get passed this fear of normal,
fear of planning, fear of losing the people that I love... I have no idea and
there sure as hell is no instruction book.
Grief books suck and all seem to say the same thing. One day at a time... blah blah blah.... I
know they help some people, they must or there wouldn't be so many of them, but
they just piss me off.
The psychologist I went to gave me an analogy that stuck
with me. My life puzzle was neatly put
together, I had all the pieces in place and they fit well together, I had the
puzzle cover so I knew exactly what the puzzle should look like. For a control freak planner like me, that was
so comforting having that puzzle put together.
When John passed away, my puzzle fell completely apart. I no longer have a box that the pieces fit
into, I don't a picture of what the picture looks like and I have no idea how to
put that puzzle back together. I must recreate
it from scratch, putting one piece
together at a time, testing pieces together that probably won't fit until
several tries for different pieces. It’s
a completely different picture than before and I don’t know what that picture
looks like. For a recovering planner
like myself there could be no greater challenge.
It’s just a few days shy of the 2 year anniversary that I
never wanted to have. I’ve started to
re-create my puzzle from scratch. The
kids and I made the decision to move to central KS in July. Continuing to live in TX and try to be part
of our puzzle that fell apart just wasn’t working very well for any of us any
longer. The kids are thriving in school and
I have a job that I love. We are within
3 ½ hours from all family in OK and NE, so it’s a good location. I think we’ve found the corner pieces to the
puzzle, but still no picture, no border, and I know it will take lots of
testing different pieces to find the right fit and it really sucks. I know I’m not alone; GOD will never let us
be completely alone. HE is there, I don’t
like him very much right now, but he also gave me family, old friends and new
friends always willing to help, all I have to do is ask. I am so bad at that, but I am trying.
If you’ve actually made it this far, I should help you find
something else to do in your free time.
I’m not even sure why I wrote this, I just feel like I’m supposed
to. I’ve been having an emotional week
up till this moment. The time of year we
should be most thankful and it is the time when I am most sad. I am working on changing my perspective, so
I want to share things I am most grateful for at this moment;
·
My 3 beautiful children who hug me when I’m
crying and make me laugh just seconds later.
They are my reason for building a new puzzle.
·
My sister from another mother, she’s been there
from that horrible second in the hospital hallway to last night drinking wine with me and
telling me it’s still OK to cry.
·
My Mom and brothers, always willing to help me
with whatever I need at any time of day.
·
John’s Parents and brothers and sister, they
make me feel like one of their own. The
always have and I can’t imagine life without them.
·
BOB, Ducks, Choir Peeps, P31 Sisters, my core
strength in the last 2 years drawn from these people.
·
Having Pastors in my life that was always what I
needed when I needed it. I am grateful
for you Frank, Jason, and Samantha
·
New friends and neighbors who’ve been so kind to
make us feel welcome in our new home.
·
Our new church home, taking us in and making us
feel like a part of the community.
·
Chewbaca, our little dog who makes us all smile
lots.
·
A roof over our head (even though I am still
trying to remodel)
·
Youth groups that go play paint ball.
·
My fun job with fun people
·
Schools who care about my children
·
You.
It may be another 4 years before I post another message, but
who knows I don’t plan that far out.
Angela
